Sunday, November 30, 2014

Giving Doesn't Always Feel Good

This is my father, George Lee Jackson. He transitioned the morning after I had visited him--November 9, 2014.  I will never forget those precious moments with him.  It's almost as if we reconciled all of our differences that had occupied space in our relationship for most of my life in just a few minutes, more like seconds.  

I had once thought of my dad as such a stubborn, stern person who spoke his mind without any hesitation.  But, as I spent the last few years with him, I understood that my daughter, Jannah, and I, coupled with his fond memories of his mom, were the soft spots in his heart.  

Yes, I complained and doubted him about the times that he needed me. Yes, I hissed at the way he told me he needed my help, which were more commands with undoubtedly driven force.  I went along doing what he needed me to do to the best of my ability.  It wasn't easy. It was, in fact, very difficult in my mind to succumb to his demands.  The time I had spent surrendering to hearing what my purpose is in order to understand how I would grow had driven me to give unconditionally to him, while all the time identifying what I thought were his faults that included his faults from my childhood.  

At times, I hopped to his requests with sincerity and happiness, and with such gratitude, and it was joyous for me to feel those moments of pleasure and bliss. I kept saying during these specific times, "Thank you, Universe."  

This morning as I spent time in silence, I realized that most of the time I give, I'm so excited, happy, humbled, and generous.  But, I also admitted to myself that giving doesn't always feel good.  So, I asked during communing with Divine Presence, "How do I continue to give when it doesn't feel good, and why did I continue to give to my dad?"  The answer is always in the question.  Simultaneously, we ask and hear what the soul is expressing--if we listen.  The answer was simply because he needed me more than he has ever needed anyone, and he was happy to get any small or large amount I was willing to give.  I found myself thinking how I wished I had given so much more. I love and miss my dad.

When we spend time in and with Silence--God--Divine Presence, we always want to give more because we are that which is speaking to and through us.  Giving is not always easy or doesn't always feel good, but if we stay in tuned just a little bit, listening for guidance within, we will do exactly what is needed in order to help others, even though we think they don't want or deserve our help. 

As the tears fall from my eyes this morning, I realize that I'm cleansing, letting go of guilt, and I'm continuously driving out the fear that somehow always manages to creep back in through my thoughts.  I'm grateful for the courage, the strength, and the desire to be free and to be honest with myself.

Thank you for allowing me to share in this place of peace.  I'm grateful.  Peace and sweet blessings to you, always!